The worst day of Howard's life
by LostBedragledAndBewildered
Summary: If you like The Mighty Boosh you might like this. Then again, you might not. Ooh, the characters are the great creations of Noel Feilding and Julian Barratt! Not me.


Vince Noir waltzed through the gates of the zoo; late for work. This was due to his preening habits, that morning he had got out of bed, got dressed, realized his hair needed a wash and so went into the bathroom to wash it. This took a good twenty minuets; but a dilemma now faced him, the tram he was supposed to catch to get to work on time would be leaving in fifteen minuets and his hair was sopping wet.

'Sod the tram,' He thought and spent those fifteen minuets drying and straightening his hair. After another hour; the first half of which was spent spraying his now dry and straight hair into the perfect style and the second half of which comprised of admiring his handiwork in a great number of mirrors, he was ready to go.

Fifteen minuets later he was sitting on the tram munching a raspberry bootlace.

Vince, being Vince, stuck out like a sore (but incredibly stylish) thumb as he wound his way round the zoo to a little hut he shared with a 'Jazz Maverick' whom Vince had never seen even pick up an instrument; Howard T.J. Moon. By that time, however, everyone knew about his lateness; nobody seemed to mind.

"What are you doin'!" Vince yelled, scandalized.

"I'm painting this room," Howard swept his arm round in a huge arc spraying paint everywhere from the brush he held in his hand; Vince grimaced.

"Black?" He said.

"I'm a dark man, Vince -" Howard began but Vince cut across him,

"Is it because Mrs Gideon likes black?" He sighed. Howard ignored him;

"Oh, yes sir; I have a heart of coal or some other black substance. Even my blood is black." He babbled.

"What?"

"I span all genres -"

"Especially dark ones," Vince added,

"Well, which colour would you paint this room then?" Howard snapped; black paint dripping down his face from the paintbrush he still held, poised, above his head.

"A kinda sky-blue pink," Vince was saying as paint dribbled down into Howard's sad attempt at a moustache. "With a red and gold striped border."

"Are you high?"

Vince smiled, catching sight of Howard's paint stricken face; "No,"

"Will you just leave me alone?" Howard said shortly,

"Alright," Said Vince and left.

Howard stood back and admired the newly painted hut,

"Ah," He sighed. He was just thinking of what to say to Mrs Gideon that would entice her into the hut when…

"Moon!" Bob Fossil's voice exploded over the intercom, "Get your great worthless ass over to my office!" He bawled. Howard slouched out of his hut and dragged himself to Fossil's office.

"Hey Moon, sit down."

"There are some pants on this chair, Mr Fossil!" Howard announced loudly.

"Oh. Yeah," Fossil said thoughtfully, "DON'T TOUCH THEM MOON!" He screeched as Howard bent down to knock them onto the floor with a hand protected by his sleeve.

"They're mine – My mum's," Fossil lied.

"Hmm… I didn't know that even the women who fought in Vietnam had to wear these." Howard remarked.

"I hate your voice, Moon." Fossil snarled,

"Right,"

"Shut-up, I'm trying to speak!" Howard rolled his eyes, Fossil was always like this.

"OK, yeah. There's this little kid," He said more calmly, "Running around the zoo in a to-to, you know those ballet things? And some flippers; I want that to-to – NO! I want her out of here, Moon! But keep the to-to!"

"Is that it, Mr Fossil? It is my lunch-break." Howard asked jadedly.

"Oh, wait! Have you got some of these, Moon?" Fossil picked up two metal balls.

"What are they?" Howard asked coldly,

"Balls. Worry Balls from China… or Japan; I don't know! One of those places where they all look the same!"

"No," Howard replied.

"Oh." Said Fossil disappointed, "I hate you, Moon! Get out of my sight! You suck, YOU SUCK!" Howard left.

David Bowie boomed out of the little hut, Howard sighed heavily and pushed open the door.

"In those Golden Years-" Howard unplugged the CD player from the wall,

"What are you doin', I was listening to that!" Vince said, his voice heavily laden with a South London accent.

"Switching off that awful racket,"

"Get lost," Vince scowled back. Howard looked around and his jaw dropped.

"W…what have you done?" He spluttered.

"Re-painted this room," Vince laughed. He had indeed; Howard took in the sky-blue pink walls, bordered by red and gold stripes, the bright red ceiling, and stared in disbelief at a huge poster full of Vince's busy features that occupied the back wall.

"My God," Howard moaned sinking weak-kneed into the nearest moth-eaten chair.

"What is it? It's the ceiling, isn't it?" Vince was laughing again, "That was Bollo's idea!"

"It's the ceiling, it's the poster, it's the- it's everything!" Howard whined.

"Oh, sorry Howard." Vince looked suddenly embarrassed,

"What?" Howard asked.

"Well, Mrs Gideon said she liked it." Vince peered worriedly up at Howard from under his fringe, "Especially the poster." Howard held his head in his hands,

"Come on Howard, it's not that bad." Vince was saying soothingly, but Howard suddenly sat bolt upright. He hadn't remembered seeing his tomatoes when he had come in.

"Where are my tomatoes?" He demanded sharply,

"Er," Vince shuffled his feet.

"Vince? Oh God what have you done?"

"I kinda gave them to Mrs Gideon in exchange for the poster," Vince smiled guiltily.

"WHAT!" Howard yelled leaping to his feet. He couldn't believe that Mrs Gideon would have a huge poster of Vince Noir within one hundred miles of her. In fact that was true about a poster of Howard; no matter how small. He was breathing like Bollo, (who, being a hundred year old ape couldn't breath very well) wishing he now had some Chinese Worry Balls and said very coldly;

"Those tomatoes had to last me a month! That was all I had to eat!"

"Are you broke, coz I mean; I could lend you some money. Only if you pay it back with Interest." Vince suggested.

"NO YOU BERK! THAT WAS MY NEW DIET!" Howard yelled. Vince stumbled back,

"Alright," He dared to say,

"Alright?" Howard repeated.

"Why were you just gonna eat tomatoes? I hate tomatoes."

"If you eat one and a half tomatoes each day it provides a person with all the vitamins and minerals one needs." Howard explained,

"It's a bit boring though, isn't it?" Vince asked, then a thought struck him; "Is it because Mrs Gideon likes tomatoes?" He said gleefully.

"Shut-up." Howard snapped. Just then a small blonde girl waddled past the window in a pair of flippers and a to-to.

"Vince, quick! Catch that girl!" And Howard bolted out of the hut after her.

"Everyone run for your lives!" Fossil was screaming over the intercom, "AHH! The baboons are loose! I HATE YOU MOON! I HATE YOU!" Vince stepped out after Howard just in time to see him haring round a corner after the girl. A large group of Rockers were zooming round the zoo leaving the stench of sweat lingering in the air after them.

"Quickly someone catch those baboons! Get them some pants, GET THEM ON! Someone please get those red-assed freaks back in their cages!" Fossil bawled as Vince un-wrapped a lolly-pop and began sucking it lazily and watched a group of Mods throwing Howard's tomatoes at the Rockers' backs.

"Oi! Howard," Vince caught hold of Howard's jacket as he wheezed past.

"What?" He panted,

"Exactly! What's goin' on?" Vince asked worriedly; the Mods were being beaten up fiercely by the Rockers.

"I need to catch that girl!"

"A kid?" Vince frowned, catching sight of a short, fat man with rainbows streaming from his ankles.

"Yeah," Howard said bluntly.

"Er; why?"

"She's the cause of all this, Vince." Howard reeled off,

"What about that guy over there," Said Vince pointing with his half eaten lolly, "That guy there; the one who's floating and keeps on conjuring stuff ." Howard looked and sure enough there was a thing; half man, half crab. Floating, and every now and then a Mod or a Rocker or some old man who began battering people with his walking stick blossomed from his clawed fingers.

"How long has he been here?" Howard asked stunned.

"All day," Vince yawned, "I passed him this morning. Actually, it was quite funny; I nearly said 'Hello' to him. I thought he was you!"

"How does that berk resemble me?" Howard snarled,

"The small eyes, generic face. You know,"

"How dare-" SMACK! An old man began beating Howard with a walking stick.

"I'll have a word with Naboo!" Vince yelled over the vicious blows Howard was receiving and Fossil's yells of;

"Watch out for the Hyenas! Holy shit! Who let the ants out! They're crawling around everywhere like crap!"

"Hey Naboo," Vince said cheerily,

"Hi,"

"Listen, it's like a day at the seaside in Brighton out there, you gotta help me."

"It's all a bad dream," Naboo said softly and whacked Vince.

"OUCH!" Vince yelled and began rubbing his cheek where Naboo had slapped him.

"Oops." Naboo smiled, "Maybe not, blow this," And he dragged a Didgeridoo across the floor and handed it to a bemused Vince.

"How?" Vince couldn't play a single instrument.

"Blow through the end!" Naboo sighed. Vince breathed in deeply and blew, his face turned red, then scarlet, then… silence. He'd run out of breath.

"Did it work?"

"Yeah," Naboo nodded,

"Cheers, Naboo." Vince said and walked outside.

"Oh thank-you, Vince! Thank-you!" Mrs Gideon hugged Vince the moment he had emerged from Naboo's little hut. Vince recoiled,

"Hey! Watch the hair!" At that moment Howard limped up to him, blooded and bashed.

"Sorry Vince," Mrs Gideon was saying apologetically.

"That's OK- Oh, hi Howard!"

"Can I have a word?" He said his face like thunder. "Why do you always have to save the day?"

"Er…"

"Couldn't you let me do it for a change?"

"Dunno, have you caught that kid yet." Vince said trying to change the subject.

"She turned into a baboon when you blew that thing." Howard said, almost sadly.

"Sorry," A sudden thought struck Vince and he added; "How does everyone know it was me who put everything right?"

"When you blew that thing a huge image of your face appeared in the sky and everything faded away."

"Wow! That must have been good! I'm quite striking!" Vince laughed running his fingers lovingly over his hair.

"Not for me it wasn't. And anyway, we still have to catch the animals."

"Yeah, you'll be good at that. You've got off with them."

"Shut-up." Howard snapped as Vince walked off, laughing. Mrs Gideon scuttling after him like a loyal dog.

"This has been the worst day of my life," Howard moaned as the fox, Jack Cooper, ran away from him; scared that Howard might try to bum him again.


End file.
